One should always strive to maintain a tentative peace with the neighbors, but as I’ve complained about before, I really dislike how a certain hippie neighbor (The Landscaper) pays no regard to his feral children running through my yard. Still, it’s a minor concern, so I let it go.
The Landscaper is a landscaper, so he told me. I don’t know when he landscapes, because I never see him leave his house, and his yard is maintained by said feral children. There are indications of professional landscaping, like the ornamental grass and the lilly of the valley patch, and his battle with BP that ultimately concluded in him getting to keep his oak trees, but that’s about it.
On one occasion, I spoke with him as he was outside spraying the property line with what I can only assume was Agent Orange. There’s even a patch where he had a 10-foot wide swath of barren and poisoned wasteland, because I guess he got overzealous–but it was all on his side so I couldn’t really complain. He dug a large hole there, which I had hoped was for a screening bush, but that was seasons ago and the hole still sits there, so I’ve taken to using it as a waste bin for everything his kids leave in my yard (footballs, golf balls, empty beer cans, etc.) At the time of his war on weeds, he had offered to spray my side, before BP defoliated the area themselves, but I had politely declined.
On another occasion, I saw him up in one of his oak trees with a chainsaw. A storm had broken a branch and it was dangling precariously, and he was dutifully addressing the hazard by cutting it down…3 weeks later. He had successfully sawed through the branch, but rather than dismount from the arboreal giant and then pull the branch away, he was attempting to throw the branch away from the tree while he was in it, but the branch was long and he couldn’t accomplish the task because he lacked the leverage. Rather than witness The Landscaper’s untimely demise at the limbs of a tree he fought so hard to keep, I helped him remove the branch, which he then ultimately threw into my yard–ironic, as I’ll explain, since I then cut it up and burned it.
I’ve split all the wood from my own oak trees that physics would allow, yet I’m left with a pile of tree branch joints. I can’t split these, because any way I strike them, the axe blade starts to go against the grain. So I’ve taken these chunks and sequentially thrown them into the fire pit, where they gradually burn away over the course of multiple fires.
One weekend day, as I was engaged in my general assortment of outdoor gardening/landscaping chores, I had such a fire going. Then, from The Landscaper’s house, I heard the screeching of a harpy:
“Put that fucking fire out!”
It gave me pause, not simply due to the rude nature of the comment under any circumstances, but also because I wasn’t certain if it was The Landscaper’s wife, or one of his kids. Either option would be a tad appalling, but I concluded it was one of the kids, because what adult would really speak in such a manner, unprovoked, to a neighbor?
Ultimately, I shrugged it off. I’m fairly accustomed to rudeness, having spent about 13 years in the service industry, besides which–I don’t answer to other people’s children, or anyone shouting from the window. I continued my practice of frequent fires, perhaps more frequent than before, for after all, I’m a suburbanite, and I default to passive-aggressive retaliation, because that’s what keeps me out of prison.
…besides which, I had checked the city’s ordinance on “recreational fires”, and mine always adhered to the requirements. So were I a total dick, I could light them as much as I wanted.
Then, recently, as I was ripping out my dead pumpkin vines and throwing them into my yard waste pile by the fire and chopped wood, I saw The Landscaper. He was approaching me, rather deliberately I might add, and without any indication from me that it was okay, crossed the property line (I now see where his kids get that from). His gait was more purposeful than I had witnessed previously (as on the rare occasions in which I do see him, he stumbles around slowly), which concerned me, but he’s an emaciated hippie, and I was holding a garden hoe at the time, so I suppose I could have just whacked him across the head were things to escalate.
But violence did not ensue. He announced his concerns: “Your fire…I have a problem with the fires.”
I waited, patiently, for further explanation. His initial statement had been blunt, and a tad rude, so perhaps he was revising his next words. I watched as the two neurons in his skull synapsed and he elaborated: “The smoke blows in our windows and it stinks the place up. I get having the occasional bonfire, but a fire for the right reasons, and not with anything wet.”
I considered. A bonfire would be against ordinance. And I wasn’t burning anything wet–maybe he thought I was burning the pumpkin vines. And what exactly were the “right reasons”? But rather than instigate an argument, I replied with the appropriate amount of fabricated concern to end the conversation as quickly as possible without appearing dismissive: “Oh, I wasn’t aware it was bothering anyone. I’ll be more mindful of that in the future.” I glanced past him at the smoldering stump, which was currently only emitting the tiniest wisp of smoke.
But The Landscaper continued: “Because it’s blowing into the house and it stinks the place up. It’s the wet stuff.”
I reiterated: “Okay The Landscaper, I wasn’t aware it was causing anyone problems. I’ll be more careful about that from now on.” Maybe he didn’t hear me.
“Because it’s blowing in the windows and it stinks. So…if you could just…not the wet stuff…” His train of thought had apparently exhausted itself, and he turned and left. I resumed weeding, having instantly pushed the conversation from thought.
But The Landscaper turned around as he approached the property line, and returned. “I dunno if we’ve met before, I’m The Landscaper. What’s your name?”
I paused for a moment. Not only had we met at least 3 times prior, but I had used his name in this current conversation. That, and introductions are usually given at the beginning of a conversation. “Simon,” I said.
“Nice to meet you neighbor. I’m not trying to be a bad neighbor, you know, it’s just that the smoke comes in the windows and sticks up the place, so if you could not burn the wet stuff, and, you know, I understand the occasional bonfire for the right reasons…that’s a nice garden you have…” This went on for several minutes, but eventually The Landscaper left. I resumed weeding, this time musing on what those “right reasons” might be.
A few minutes later, The Landscaper returned with something in his hand. “Hey, I want you to have this. I have a tree that grows these.” He held out a paw paw. I had picked them in the woods before, sometimes when hunting. The gesture amused me, but I thanked him for it.
“Ah, a paw paw. These grow around here don’t they?”
“Yeah, we have a tree. They’re pretty good.”
“Thanks, The Landscaper.”
“Yeah, it’s just that the smoke blows in the windows, and…” He reiterated another version of the above monologue, apparently using the fruit as a peace offering and excuse to express his concerns yet again on the smoke, the wet stuff, and “the right reasons”, but eventually The Landscaper left.
I recounted the story to Liz, and we revisited the plans to create some type of impassible barrier against that property line. Next year’s project–a survey and raised gardens. Hopefully raised beds will avoid the Agent Orange, and serve to further minimize unwanted conversation with a particular neighbor.
–Simon
Yet in her impatience, Liz violated the arrangement and purposely broke her car so she could get an upgrade first. That’s what I accused her of anyway. She denies it, but I’ve also noted how her phones keep mysteriously breaking each year, hmmm.
