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Through a Glass, Darkly

This is a minor project, but all projects will be recorded into the annuls of whatever time period this is!

This is the garage window:

As you can see, its existence serves no purpose, and is a security flaw.  I had covered it with a paper blind, but that was ugly and dirty and falling apart.  I needed a more elegant solution.

So I fell back on a solution I employed previously on the back door: security film.  This film, when applied, bonds with the glass pane and prevents it from shattering.  The back door, which contains a large window, was stupidly fitted with a thumb-turn lock.  I’ve since taken additional security measures on the lock, but at the time this added an obstacle to simply breaking the glass and unlocking the door.  This film is also offered with dark tint.  This let me reinforce the glass as well as block out external peeping.

Ta-daa!

I put a motion sensor on that green light too.  If the door is shut and the light is off, even at night it’s not possible to effectively look in and inventory anything.

Security Protocol!

–Simon

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Shutters, Shudder

I was in the midst of a political analysis post and decided…fuck that.  I want to write about house projects instead.  And that’d probably make a more interesting read anyway, or at least less boring.  Besides, there are pundits aplenty who write articles for a living and can offer you much deeper insight.

In short: contemporary society is still divided, arguing like children and refusing to make any concessions unless forced, even when the benefits of those concessions are pretty obviously for the greater good, like getting vaccinated or addressing unsustainable entitlement programs.  And the world still hates men.  That hasn’t changed much.

So instead of contributing to that noise, look at these shutters!:

They’re in a recessed window frame.  They were also rotting out.  So Liz ordered vinyl replacements and I ripped them out.  Problem solved.

Haha, no.  Just kidding.  The replacements exposed the air gap between the brick and inner wall, as they were much thinner than the custom-cut original wood variants.  I had to get creative.

So I sealed the gap with vinyl molding and lots of caulk.

That’s it, really.  I’m just complaining, because it took a long time.  I invoked the 6 Month Rule.

At least the superstructure won’t rot out.

–Simon

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Security Upgrades

It’s always high on the list of recommended things to do when you move in to a new residence: change the locks.  The reasoning is obvious: there’s no way to tell who has a copy of the key.  And for all of my various incremental home security improvements, they’d be mostly rendered moot if some acquaintance of the former owner had a key and chose to “visit”.  So I finally prioritized a deadbolt swap.

Of course, if I’m doing that, why wouldn’t I take the opportunity to go beyond a simple lock change with a standard residential model and explore something a little more high security?

Introducing, the Mul-T-Lock Cronus Junior!

Grade 2, so a step up (I’m assuming).  I think grade 1 would have been a waste of money.  (I recently reinforced the door hardware with oversized strike plates and 3.5″ steel screws, but the supporting structure is ultimately wood.)

And the tumblers are actually doubled–tumblers inside tumblers.  Cool idea.  Having explored lock-picking in my youth, I can’t imagine the difficulty here.  This isn’t just adding more tumblers, it multiplying the complexity.  How do you bump pins when each pin is two pins with different shear lines?

And the price point was 3-4 times that of a standard hardware-grade variety, so not crazy.  All in all, a good match for a residential application.

However, the bolt assembly was anything but user-friendly.  And while that wasn’t necessarily attributed to the manufacturer, it does have a certain intolerance if existing cutouts aren’t perfectly true–something a residential-targeted product should have.

For example, the bolt hole and lock holes weren’t quite aligned.  I could still feed the parts together, but the internal shield then put sufficient tension on the bolt assembly that the bolt wouldn’t extend to the final locked position.  A fair amount of trial and error was required before I isolated the problem, which involved some additional boring and filing.

That problem solved, I mounted everything and tried to throw the bolt.  It wouldn’t budge, despite working fine before threading the screws.  So I disassembled everything and worked the bolt manually with a screwdriver, which worked fine.  I took a break before smashing something.

It saves everyone after you a lot of work if you’d just do the job right the first time.

Additional experimentation revealed that the bolt assembly was being pushed down slightly too far, so the bolt was catching on the strike.  The door, having been cut wrong, protruded the strike slightly into the jamb, and when mounting the strike it bent the jamb, causing obstruction.  So I shimmed the strike against the door to prevent bending, reassembled the lock, and tried it again.

The thumb switch. Note also the aforementioned extended strike plate.  All hardware upgraded to 3.5″ steel screws (hinges included).

The key worked, but the thumb switch didn’t.  Not very useful.  I disassembled the lock again and pondered the parts, eventually concluding that I needed to rotate the internal metal sheaf once so that the neutral position aligned with the thumb switch neutral position.  I reassembled the lock and tried again, both key and thumb switch, in all possible combinations between the two…dozens of times.  Finally, it worked as expected.

In conclusion, the door’s inconsistent cuts combined with the lock’s low error tolerance made what would normally be a 2 minute project a 2 hour one (additionally, the instructions didn’t cover installing the cylinder into the lock, or adjusting the bolt between its 1 3/8″ and 1 1/2″ settings, but those were reasonably intuitive with some observation and tinkering).  But at least the lock is finally replaced and upgraded.  Though in all fairness, after removing the old one, it was a really solid lock.  All metal, thick parts, and lots of shielding and reinforcement.  Had I possessed a tally on all the keys made for it, and were it not a decades-old standard 5-pin system, I would have left it as-is.

No weathering yet, but it matches the existing hardware pretty close.

Still, it’s nice to have one more security upgrade completed.

–Simon

 

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Wood Burner

One of the more exciting moments from Herbert’s Dune Messiah novel was a nighttime attack with the Stone Burner.  The second book in the series, it lacked some of the foreboding intrigue and suspense of its predecessor, and so the few action scenes stick out more vividly in my memory.

The Stone Burner, like most of Herbert’s pseudo-tech, was a rather ambiguous device, hinting at nuclear power but never really confirming.  The terror lay in its unique ability–exploding in some pillar of fire, then emitting a radiation which liquefied eye tissue, thereby blinding everyone within range (this was a plot device I suppose, as the traditional law of Fremen was to abandon their blind in the desert).

In the SyFy miniseries, a late night rendezvous is interrupted by the ominous silence of a pre-storm, followed by the crescendoing wind, and a character’s sudden utterance of realization: “Stone Burner…!”.

This post is far less interesting.  But I always think of the Stone Burner when loading my new, somewhat less destructive, wood burner, which releases…controlled infrared and…clouds of noxious fumes…at least until I get the vents adjusted properly.  For comfort!

Okay: the point now.  We had the chimney swept.  We do this periodically as we enjoy using the fireplace.  And it should be noted at this point that the chimney passed home-buying inspection (which is a nonsense cursory review at best), followed by some company that proved to be not so legit after our first cleaning (a couple rednecks with shop vacs).  The time after that, a most apparent professional, or so it seemed anyway, completed a thorough examination of the chimney with cameras, concluding that we had at some point suffered a chimney fire due to excessive creosote, which conveniently put us in the position of being able to file an insurance claim for money to pay him to either do repairs or install a wood burner insert.

The insurance company, balking at a 5-figure claim, sent out their own inspector, who concluded that there was no chimney fire, but agreed that the creosote buildup, combined with ageing mortar, rendered the fireplace unusable.

We, not being chimney experts, weighed our options, and ultimately settled on the wood burner insert option (albeit without insurance money to pay for it), which bypasses the chimney entirely with it’s own metal piping (well, not bypass as it uses the path of the chimney, but it doesn’t rely on it’s insulative properties).  The burner itself is entirely self-contained–essentially an oven which traps the heat, catalyzes the smoke for a clean burn, and employs a fan system to pass house air around the system to heat the room.  This solution was not only half the price of a prospective chimney repair, but it actually heats the house.

It did have its learning curve though.  Wood has to be split much smaller, I often have to override the fire vent’s automatic shutoff to keep it burning, and I have to leave the door open long enough for the fire to reach a self-sustaining size before closing (this is all contrary to the official instructions).  Then it requires multi-stage feeding to build the coal bed.

It also works much better to burn large fires, and to not periodically feed them.  It’s more of a burst system, and function over form.  Still…

The whippet approves.

And no eyes were melted yet.

–Simon

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Plywood Palace

Over the years, I’ve made a few notes about The Landscaper.  He was…an interesting neighbor.  First there was an issue with his delinquent children leaving beer cans in our yard.  Then our ongoing irritation with his kids cutting through our garden.  And the little spat about backyard fires (and his wife, The Harpy, screaming obscenities as me).  And their dog which they let crap in our yard without cleaning up (I’ve even seen their son intentionally goad the dog over here to crap).  But in the end, it became obvious that The Landscaper wasn’t mean-spirited.  He was just negligent.  A bad neighbor perhaps, but a decent person.

The Harpy, on the other hand, was patronizing and condescending, when and if she ever made an appearance outside at all, going so far as to call The Landscaper home when she found him joining us at our firepit for some beer and chatting.  From afar, of course.  She didn’t walk over.

They ultimately separated.  And from the rumor mill, that’s putting it lightly.  Something about drugs and alcohol and a restraining order.  All unverified claims of course, since the information was through other channels.  The point being, our neighborhood representative of that property was no more. All was quiet for a time.

Then began the construction project.  Initially a quaint foundation, through the dedicated and noisy efforts of an Old Redneck, and lots of Fleetwood Mac, it grew to become an enormous plywood box.  Granted I was none too thrilled, but I ordinarily stay out of confrontations unless the matter is more serious.

The matter became a little more serious when The Motorcyclist paid us a visit.  Another neighbor with whom we initially had a strained relationship, over whom I was perhaps a little overly-critical, we had since settled into a general truce after the whole fence and surveying matter.  But now he was angry, though not with us thankfully.

He was miffed with the Plywood Palace, and expressed his desire to drive down to city hall and protest.  Taking a more rational approach, and now with the understanding that the matter was bothering more than just myself, I submitted an inquiry to the city’s Planning commission, detailing which zoning statues the structure appeared to violate, and asking if it had a permit.  At the time, I figured this approach would bring some peace to a neighbor, while also curbing the construction’s efforts to complete an unsightly monstrosity for everyone to have to see on a daily basis, instead limiting its height to something more reasonable.  And as an added bonus, it was still in their own best interest to have the paperwork in order before they inevitably tried to sell the house.

What I didn’t expect was the city’s immediate response to dispatch an inspector.  I saw the truck arrive and some measurements being made, the insistence of The Landscaper’s former wife that she had approval for it (which I have since searched for and doesn’t exist in the public records), and some other discussion taking place before I quietly excused myself.  Shortly thereafter, construction ceased.  The Planning Commission’s representative responded to me that they were “working with the homeowner now to ensure everything is being done up to code.”  Fine by me.  If the city deems it acceptable, than who am I to object?

Re:
5607 Red Coach Rd
Dayton, OH  45429

Hello, I’m writing to inquire on any recent permit and inspection filings for the above address, with regards to an accessory building.  Specifically, my concern is regarding Section 9.39 of the City of Centerville Unified Development Ordinance pertaining to Accessory Buildings and Use Standards, General Provisions, restrictions 1, 3, 5, and 6.  The structure in question appears to in violation of these statutes.

I haven’t seen the owner (nor am I certain of who that is), and I’d hate to see the structure advance to completion, only for a zoning issue to arise later.  Others have begun grumbling about the project, so I feel it’s better to bring this to attention now rather than later, and save the owner additional inconvenience.

If the structure has been approved, then please disregard.  Thank you.

Yours,
Simon

Some time later, The Motorcyclist stormed over again.  He had apparently gone to city hall anyway, more than once, and was delivering the message that the Planning Commission was to review the case in an upcoming meeting.  If we had objections to submit, we needed to get those in.  So I sent another message, reaffirming that I didn’t feel it acceptable to approve a structure in violation of published zoning statutes post facto, but if it were to be brought into compliance with these statutes, then that would of course be perfectly reasonable.

Re:
5607 Red Coach Rd
Dayton, OH  45429

To whom it may concern,

I recently wrote to inform of an accessory building under construction at this address.

It has since come to my attention that this accessory building is undergoing a review, pending a final decision to grant special approval.  I also understand that any final commentary prior to this decision should be addressed to this email.

As a neighbor of this address and resident of Centerville, I object to the granting of any such special approval.  

I have no objections to the present zoning statutes that regulate these structures, as they clearly maintain the safety, function, and aesthetics of the neighborhood.  And I fear that granting this structure special approval will undermine the spirit of these rules, as well as send a precedent for their future exemption.

To be clear, I would have no objections to the building were it modified to comply with all city zoning requirements.

Thank you for your time,
Simon

The meeting took place, and the motion to grant special approval was denied.

https://www.centervilleohio.gov/home/showpublisheddocument?id=40957

Following that, construction continued, but the height of the structure was first reduced to a perfectly acceptable and pleasing 12′.  In fact, pending completion, it looks very nice.

But The Old Redneck, true to his namesake, had to say something.  Those personality types operate on old honor codes, codes which require responsive action to a perceived personal slight, codes which on some level I still wish existed, except they tend towards premature violence.

But his honor code fell short when he formulated his comment to be completely passive-aggressive.  Old codes don’t work so well in civilized life.  Nor do they carry much weight when directed towards a much younger man wielding a large axe (he chose his moment of confrontation to coincide with me chopping wood).  And since there’s also little honor in taunting an old man from afar while on my own property and holding a weapon, I dismissed him and resumed my task at hand, ignoring additional attempts to re-engage until, disgruntled, he stomped off inside.

There’s lessons to be had on both sides here, though I had a good idea how it would end.  Your house might be your castle, but it’s governed by the city.  And if you think city rules don’t apply to you, it’s unwise to also refuse any active and positive relationship with your neighbors, going so far as to show overt disregard; because while involving the city in the matter wasn’t intended as petty revenge, it sure was satisfying nonetheless.

–Simon